Still Living Off the Syllabus
In a recent session with my new therapist, I was telling her, excitedly, that I’d submitted my application for the Doctor of Education program at Vanderbilt. If accepted, I’d start this August. I meant it as good news. I am thrilled. Another intellectual pursuit, another reason to stretch my brain beyond the daily cadence of school leadership.
When I was in the master’s program at Vanderbilt a few years ago, I loved the way that time felt entirely mine. It gave structure to my thoughts without being entirely about my job. It offered a different kind of clarity—one with readings, deadlines, and discussions I didn’t have to lead. Honestly, it felt like a form of rest.
So imagine my surprise when my therapist nodded, smiled, and said:
“That sounds amazing… but what will you do when you’ve run out of school to do?”
She wasn’t being accusatory—she admitted she has a doctorate too. But she also admitted she’s asked herself the same question.
Later that week, a friend who works as an ER physician was telling me that when she started her medical residency she struggled to figure out what work-life balance looked like. Someone told her, “I think you are still trying to live your life off a syllabus,” she said. I knew exactly what she meant.
And then, just a day later, a board member shared that someone once told him he gives off “acing the test” vibes. He laughed —and then said, “Eventually I had to ask myself… what test am I even taking?”
There’s comfort in syllabi. In school. In structure. In things that have a clear beginning, middle, and end. There’s control in that clarity. The kind that looks a lot like rest, but might just be a more productive version of avoidance.
When I feel restless, or uncertain, I reach for the familiar contours of learning. But not always the messy, open-ended kind. I love school. I love boxes to check and rubrics to meet and proof that I’m doing something worthwhile.
I’m still hoping to start that doctorate in August. I know it will challenge me, and I truly believe it will make me a better leader. But I’m also wondering what rest might look like without a syllabus.
And while I certainly don’t have that answer yet, I’m doing my best to try to live into the question a little bit more.