The “B” Words

I finally left the GroupMe.

It sounds like a small thing, but in a season where my plate is more full than I can ever remember, it felt significant. Usually, my default question is simple—can I get this done? That’s the achiever in me. If there’s a way to squeeze it in, organize it, or push through, I’ll do it.

Lately, though, I’m trying to work through a different question—still very much doing the work in working through it.

I work with an executive coach (can't recommend this highly enough for any leader!), and he’s challenged me to rethink how I approach these decisions. He uses the word “boundaries” a lot. My therapist leans toward “balance”. Either way, the "B-word" themes keep showing up.

When my plate is more full than I can take, where do I actually find balance? Where do I draw a boundary? Sure, I likely can get it all done, but at what cost?

This week, to be honest, I can’t come up with another description for how I’m feeling besides bone tired. That deep aching, can't-quite-rest tired. It feels like my body is tensing every single muscle, just waiting for the release. Except I haven’t really given myself the chance to release anything.

So back to the question. Perhaps instead of can I do it?, the question should be—what will I lose if I don’t?

It seems simple enough on paper. Everything has costs and benefits, and a quick calculation ought to do the trick.

Take the GroupMe.

First, let me say that I have really enjoyed my doctorate program. Have I loved every lecture, every professor, every assignment? Absolutely not. But I learn something from my peers in every single class, and each course gives me a lens to consider that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

But the cohort GroupMe was just too much. It was full of negativity and collective stress. My instinct was to jump in, yet I kept thinking of the phrase: “not my circus, not my monkeys”. Or was it? This is my cohort, my peer group.

So when I asked myself what I’d actually lose if I walked away from a thread that made my stress spike every day, I had to be honest. I’d lose some casual connection with classmates I don’t talk to regularly outside of seminar. But if I’m really honest, all of those people have cell phones. They’re just a direct text away outside of a chaotic group chat.

So, “Claire left the group.”

It worked there. But as I started pushing that same question into other corners of my life, I ran into a wall.

When you ask an achiever what they might lose by saying no, drawing a boundary, or prioritizing balance, they can come up with some remarkably compelling reasons why the loss isn't worth it. You can justify keeping every single obligation, every committee, every extra task. The math will always tell you to stay the course.

Lovely. But that rationalization doesn't do a thing for that bone-tired, lack-of-rest feeling that keeps me from showing up the way I actually want to.

So yes, I left the group chat. But I’m still working on the right question to ask.